Working Out. Saved My Life.

On June 16, 2014 I decided there were going to be no more excuses. No more crying. No more pain. No more believing lies. No more putting up with bullshit of liars. I couldn't live like I was and prosper. I was on the path to death. The death of the Kate Chute, I knew myself desperately yearned to be.

On June 16, 2014 I started P90X3. I knew it would push my mind, body, and soul. I woke up at 5AM and started my workout. It felt amazing. I could physically work out again! I could physically push myself, tell myself I could do it. And no one was going to stop me. No one. Not even myself.

On June 16, 2014 I knew I was ready. Ready to be who I was meant to be. The person who had turned into someone completely different than I was three years ago. I was hurting. I was numb. I was angry. I was full of pain. No compassion. No love. No sympathy. White hot, fiery, rage. And pain. And nothingness. I had become a shell of myself, who I used to be. I ran so far from God and who he had made me, I didn't even recognize who I was in the mirror anymore.

In January I left an abusive relationship. Abusive on both ends. I yearned so deeply for the love of my partner; he couldn't give me what I needed. He withdrew, would refuse to communicate, and would leave when things got tough. I kept clawing, thinking one day, a lightbulb would go off in his head. Throughout the process, I began to break down. The me I knew, was no longer me. I did everything he wanted, watched his shows, listened to his music, did what he liked. And was no longer the woman he fell in love with. I started drinking early on in our relationship and was a functioning alcoholic for the better part of two years. Because of pain. Because he could not fill the void, aching to be loved, in my heart. And I kept running. I kept telling myself that I was strong enough to fix it. Strong enough to carry everything on my back. Strong enough to pull through, for the both of us. And then I would drink some more. And he would pull away. And then he became jealous. Of everything and everyone. So I would drink. The pain and hate spewed from his mouth. So I would drink. He would walk away like it was all okay. So I would drink. He would come back and tell me he was over it, so I needed to stop brining up the past. So I would drink. More. And more. And more. Until I was numb. He never figured it out. I realize I was in control of my own actions. I'm not a fool. Okay maybe I am. But I wanted his love so much. I would have done anything for him. But I started to feel alone, even when he was there. So I would drink.

I left at the end of January. I wasn't strong enough to accept that I had failed at something. I kept gripping at the chance, that maybe, just maybe, he would understand my heart. My broken, hurting, bleeding heart. So I drank.

He never did. So I drank more. And pretended it was normal. That I was just partying. That I was the normal 20-ish something year old, that drank. Every day. A lot. I could out drink anyone I knew. And for awhile, I was proud of that. At least I was good at something.

On June 16, 2014 I knew I was tired of losing friends from my drunken actions, the masking of a pain, I wasn't ready to face. I wasn't ready to be strong before that. And I damn sure wasn't ready to confess my sin. 

On June 16, 2014 working out saved my life.

I knew if I didn't turn around, I would die. "I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I out nor what I liked." The Christians describe the Enemy as one 'without whom Nothing is strong.' CS Lewis Screwtape Letters Nothing was strong in me.

So I started P90X3. On a whim. In full knowledge it would hurt, and it would be hard, and I may fail. It has been the best beginning of a journey for my life. Working out and continuing a 5AM routine has shown me that I am capable. I am strong. I am dedicated. It has begun a road to self discovery. A self love. That had been lacking for so long. Too long. It allowed me to find God again, to give me the strength to walk into a Church and say, "I am fucked up. And I need help. I need God's grace, and I do not understand it. But I believe God loves me." It's the love I have been yearning for all along.

On June 16, 2014 I became the strongest Kate Chute I have ever known. I have worked out every day since. I know it is a long road ahead. Nothing like what I just came from. I am strong enough. I have beautiful friends. I am honoring my body with good, healthy choices. And, I can honestly say I love God.

I know at some point, God will use my whole story to help other women with their pain and numbness. Until then, I will be preparing. Growing into the beautiful, Christ centered woman, he has destined me to be. Get ready World, Kate Chute is back!